Wanna be badass? Girlfriend sens you shopping with a list and exact change? There is a list of 15 things I strongly recommend you do while shopping at the local store. This will guarantee your friends’ eternal admiration and as a bonus, you get to never shop there again.
1. Take 40 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they’re not looking. Focus on old ladies, fathers with young sons and hot chicks. You’ll see why.
2. Mess with the alarm clocks in the Housewares section. Set them to beep like every five minutes or so. All of them.
3. Buy some tomato juice, then make a trail out of it, leading to the tampons section.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him: “Code 3 in Housewares”. Watch what happens. Run.
5. Go to the in-house drug store and ask the lady behind the counter if she ever tried a Durex Play Vibrations and if it really felt as good for her as the commercial said it would.
6. Move the sign that says “Caution - Wet Floor” to a carpeted area.
7. Go to the camping section. Pick a tent. Set it up. Invite your friends.
8. When the employees arrive and ask you if you need some help, become desperate. Cry “Why can’t you people just leave me alone”. Real tears help.
9. Find a security camera. Stare into it for a minute or so, until you’re sure you got someone’s attention. Pick your nose. Make it into a nice and round tiny ball. Eat it.
10. Browse the display in the fishing and hunting department. Get a guy to show you a nice rifle. While holding it, tell him how depressed you are and how you simply hate the world and its people.
11. Dress up. Walk around and stare at people compassionately, like they’re all doomed. Whistle the “Mission Impossible” theme.
12. Go into the auto department. Pick the largest funnel. Spit inside of it until it drips. Success !
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people start browsing, model and beg “Pick me, pick me”
14. When there’s an announcement on the speakers, duck, assume a defensive position and cry “Oh no, it’s the voices again”
15. Get into a fitting room. Make sure you make enough noise so that people notice you going in there. Wait there for 5-7 minutes. Then yell, loudly : “Hey, there’s no toilet paper in here”
Why I hate italians is retiring
When I first started my ironic depiction of Italians series I decided that if it starts to bring out the worse in people I would stop writing it.
Quite unsurprisingly, most of the feedback it got was negative, starting with idiotic offenses like “you’re really a dumbfuck i hope you get slashed next time you’re in italy” (yes, the intellectual level of Italians is rising, some of them can write nowadays) and ending with moral-leader wannabes that paternally advice me to “please reconsider your attitude towards Italians and especially foreign people”. I do appreciate the subtle humor and refined sense of irony that very few had in their comments and I just wanna let them know that it was for their kind that I wrote that.
However, just for the extended crowd, I would like to come up with a few explanations: in common spoken English the word “hate” benefits of a wide semantic value and the one I employed might be replaced with synonyms like “despite”, “dislike” or “distaste” rather than “enmity” or “animosity”. I do not believe for one second that someone that is not completely ill minded would consider that I’m suggesting any kind of racial, national or other types of hatred.
Doesn’t it seem like people take offense on this topic a little too much nowadays? I mean, can we still make Scottish jokes about them being cheap? Or at least blond jokes? Is that politically incorrect too now? I just can’t understand how someone can take that innocent Italian roast as a form of national hate whatsoever. Where are the days when we just made fun, smurked and moved on? Grow up people, get a life and stop playing moral teacher.
PS: No, I will not write any more funny stories from my Italian experiences.