When I say social flirting I usually understand the sum of a person’s gestures, smiles, looks, acts, attitude, vocabulary, manners etc. displayed in any kind of society they may function in at a given time with the purpose of becoming more attractive, drawing a positive attention or simply suggesting availability. The kind of attention the person resorting to social flirting is aiming for may vary from simply making others think highly of you, going all the way to becoming more sexually attractive to the subject of the flirt.
Now, we all somewhat do that, we all want to be liked and appreciated by strangers or people that we might like to a certain extent, but what’s the limit, when does social flirting become not a semi-conscious harmless social tool that we’re so used to and disregard as normal, but something more socially unacceptable for people in relationships, like private flirting?
Somewhat often I find that there are people who simply can’t comprehend basic facts of life, like, except from special cases (when someone’s almost family to you or your best friend’s husband-to-be) there is no real friendship between men and women, as simply distinguishing between romantic, sexual and friendly feelings, can be exceedingly difficult. Maybe some women would say, for example: “I have some male friends, to whom I feel just friendship”. Seemingly, it could be true, but in reality, it’s not. Why? It is because the friendship between a man and a woman always inevitably has the possibility (or potentiality) to develop into either love or hatred (or sometimes jealousy) even if this does not occur in practice. So I’ll say in the light of this assumption, making new opposite sex, attractive and potentially date-able friends overcomes innocent social flirting and passes on the private flirting side which I find as immoral as cheating when getting involved, or trying to get involved, or even saying that you wanna get involved with someone that’s as serious as you are about it. So the concepts of “making new friends”, “having fun with other people but don’t let them lay a hand on me” mean in practice “saving the situation for possible later use” and I find them simply unacceptable from a relationship’s basic morals point of view.
That is only one aspect of harmless social flirting jumping categories to become a little dirty, guilty, private flirt.
What…I am a little confused. Ted, you say social flirting jumps categories to become a little dirty, guilty, private flirting. How does that work? I am woman that has many men friends and NO its not because I’m ugly… infact I am wonderful and have many talents that men desire i.e. Tips on how to pleasure a woman. You know Ted I find that more women flirt w/ women more than men. I would even say that flirting is a girl thing. Men are just straight to the point you know LET’S GO TO BED and WHAT ARE YOU MAKING FOR BREAKFAST. You are right about one thing I would sleep with all of my male friends if they were female. Flirting a person’s gestures, smiles, looks, acts, attitude,
vocabulary, manners…tHATS DIFFERENT FOR EVERYBODY and to be rated as one…Come on if that is the case I flirt with everyone…EVERYWHERE!!! tHAT WOULD PUT ME INTO PRIVATE FLIRTING and evryone who knows me would say there is nothing private about me. So the fact that I flirt with everyone EVERYWHERE social or private would mean that there is nothing private.
Melissa, I must say that you have a very confusing style, I think you should read throughout the article once again. Peace out.
–Ted
So, Ted, are you saying that as a married woman I shouldn’t make the harmless flirting comments I make? Melissa is right in the fact that women tend to do it all the time. I do with my girlfriends, as well as my guyfriends, strangers in the store, on the street..
Without flirting, life is boring…
My 2 pesos.
Nice to meet you Nikki (or good to see you again Nis, looks like my lamb sacrifice paid off).
Ontopic: I do strongly suggest you read throughout the whole thingy again, because I said that I do encourage social flirting as a basic and important social interaction, but some people (sorry, maybe i said some women -whoops)tend to get a little bit on the personal, hope-giving, satisfaction-suggesting, private, little dirty side of something that we all do inherently.
Basically, to be less complicated in my approach, I will say that it’s fine if you make me like you by being nice and slightly flirtatious, but if you invite me over when your husband’s not home, even under the friendship’s flag, I would say you’d try a little too much.
*wink, Ted
Ok, well as long as you clearly draw that line for me, we’re cool.
So I re-read it and stand firmly in my confusing sort of way. I am married…I do have male friends(lots) and it is not sexual nor do either party want it to be. There is some confort in having a friend of the oppisite sex i.e. helps to figure out what the hell the other might be thinking or not. I have found that (even more now since I found your blog), that women do flirt with other women more than men. In my investigation I have been told that it is more comfortable, and like practice in a safe environment. If fact just last week I tried out my theory… 2 guys(1 married and 1 single) and 1 girl flirted with the same straight girl all night. The girl blew off the married guy almost immediately and toyed with idea of the other guy not really flirting but not saying no, but with the girl she flirted back and in the end gave her information to the girl…Maybe they will be friends maybe lovers. The point is that flirting is everywhere and whose to say were a line is or not…To each their own, eh. HEY NIKKI WANT TO GET TOGETHER SOME TIME..HEE HEE
You must have got burned a few times huh ted?? no trust in women i see. Sounds like someone really fucked with you. Little bitter?? HAHAHA GROW UP!!
That is kinda harsh coming from my own girlfriend. Yes, I am still getting burned by women as we speak, erm, apparently.
Ted…I study human behaviour as a hobby and feel it’s influence everday as I do business over the phone or in person…
You start out interesting as though you know something about your topic and then end up closing your point of view with some sort of moral high ground that sounds overly intellectual & puritanical, like it comes from an old english convent.
I might add that sometimes in my sales job both significantly older and younger women flirt… “saving the situation for possible later use” is offensive in not only these cases, where the age difference is socially unacceptable but it really goes for 99% of the flirting I encounter. More often than not (as you said) it’s happening on a subconcious level and the people doing it aren’t always aware of it. It’s human nature…
IE. Something very natural - Not conjured up - A way of simply saying I like you - you’re pleasant (for example)..
I also have friends who are girls that I’ve been intimate with in the past & then, for what ever reason the relationship hasn’t worked out romantically, yet we’ve become very good friends and almost forgotten how we started.. Some flirting may go on…in a healthy acknowledging way.. that concedes appreciation of values for a moment..But that’s all it is…
“A real friendship between a man and a woman”
Perhaps you could broaden your outlook a bit more beyond what you “think” is immoral
Jed, my essay up there was intentionally written as a rather non-fluent rambling, but i will try and “broaden my outlook” a little bit for the extended crowd: I firmly believe that “social flirting” is acceptable and quite recommended since I find it useful and pleasant. What I dare stand against is when underneath that mask of “trying to be nice so that people would like you”, some hide inherent desires that they prefer to keep undisclosed and call it “friendship”.
Jed I completely agree with how you say Ted writes. Nicely put.